Life is fleeting. Make every moment count.

“WTF IS THIS SHIT?!”

Allow me to go through a brief history of metal. As amplifier technology improved over time, music could get louder. Guitarists began experimenting with feedback and drummers became more athletic and aggressive. Many would call Led Zeppelin one of the early pioneers of heavy metal. I wouldn’t disagree, but I would argue that the focus of their music was the marvelous blending of blues and rock and roll they became known for. In my opinion, what we know today as heavy metal really began with bands Black Sabbath and Judas Priest. These two bands, along with other acts like Motorhead, defined rock music in the 70s. They continued to rock into the 80s, which saw Metallica emerge as one of the greatest metal acts of all time. Things took a slight step backwards later in the decade when glam metal became popular. Bands like Twisted Sister and Motley Crue dominated the scene, but their music wasn’t completely terrible so they were forgiven.

Who can stay angry at a face like this?

The 90s is when things started to go wrong. It was as if metal contracted a virulent disease. Metallica put out a couple of good albums, but none of them were nearly as good as the albums Cliff Burton performed on. The late 90s saw the inception of “nu-metal”, also known as oh-god-why-are-you-pouring-sulphuric-acid-in-my-ears, bringing with it bands like Korn, Limp Bizmit, and Papa Roach. Fortunately, the genre burned itself out before too many people were seriously hurt.

But since the turn of the millennium, not much has come out in the way of quality metal. In fact, except for some honorable mentions like The Sword, the only metal band I’ve really liked in the past ten years is Mastodon. Seriously, Mastodon is amazing. They play their music not with guitars and drums but with fire and gasoline. They are thunder in a bottle, captured through the use of sheer artistic passion. If Thor, Beelzebub, Leonidas, and Darth Vader started a band, they would probably sound something like Mastodon.

Seriously. Fucking. Awesome.

You’re probably thinking “D00d you don’t know anything. There are currently plenty of great metal bands!” Ok, contrarian voice in my head. Let’s compare some classic sounds with what today is widely considered to be “metal.”

METAL

“Children of tomorrow live in the tears that fall today
Will the sun rise up tomorrow bringing peace in any way?
Must the world live in the shadow of atomic fear?
Can they win the fight for peace or will they disappear?

A poignant commentary on the horror of potential nuclear annihilation.

NOT METAL

No one can have their moments free from your withering touch
Fuck off, like your the only one who has ever cried or been broken by love.
Spare me your pity party, drunk off your own misfortunes.
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy.

This album is actually called “Suicide Notes and Butterfly Kisses”. I’m not kidding.

METAL

Soldier boy, made of clay
Now an empty shell
Twenty one, only son
but he served us well
Bred to kill, not to care
Do just as we say
Finished here, Greeting Death
He’s yours to take away
Back to the front

Another moving tale of the futility of war and the dehumanization of the soldiers who fight in them.

NOT METAL

Deeper I’m falling
Into the arms of sorrow
Blindly descending
Into the arms of sorrow

The lyrics pretty much repeat like that.

METAL

Fighting on with dignity
In life and death we deal
The power and the majesty
Amidst the blood and steel

Judas Priest is really my kind of metal. Their songs are full of over the top machismo, ranging in subjects from nobility and valor to just partying like in “Living After Midnight”. They don’t take themselves too seriously, which makes their songs so much fun to listen to.

NOT METAL

We like so much, the pain
We’re spoiling at the knife
Pretend that the picture is perfect
I cut myself to sleep
I close my eyes for a second
And meet the friendly soul
I scream to why I’m lonely

UUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!!!

METAL

This ivory leg is what propels me
Harpoons thrust in the sky
Aim directly for his crooked brow
And look him straight in the eye

A song about Captain Ahab’s obsessive quest for revenge. Classic.

NOT METAL

There’s always something to be going wrong
The path I walk’s in the wrong direction
There’s always someone fucking hanging on
Can anybody help me make things better?

The path you need to walk on is the one towards the window, and you can make things better by throwing yourself out of it.

* * *

I still contend that Metallica is the greatest metal band in history, despite modern waning. Listening to any of the Cliff Burton albums is like taking a bath in Beluga caviar. It’s like doing doughnuts on the National Mall with a Bugatti just because you can. It’s rich, luxurious, and gratuitously amazing. When listening to Ride the Lightning I kiss my fingers like Italian chefs after preparing a delicious meal.

“Perfecto!”

So what happened between then and now? I don’t know for certain, but I can take a couple of guesses.

Part of it has to do with the state of the music industry today, best explicated in the documentary Before the Music Dies. The human DJ model of radio was abandoned long ago in favor of focus groups. Radio stations, or rather the corporations that own them, sample a variety of music to small groups of volunteers who then rate the songs on how enjoyable they were. In this way, radio stations think they know what the people want to listen to, and thus, what kind of music will attract the greatest number of listeners. They treat music like it’s a retail product to be sold to the masses. Unfortunately, the masses are pretty stupid. Jersey Shore gets higher ratings than any news or information program on television.

Another reason could be that history always remembers the greats. There were probably a ton of shitty bands that came, went, and were forgotten simply because they were all forgettable. Memory only serves the talented which gives us the illusion that music in the past was much better than music in the present day. I hope that time, or Alzheimer’s, will winnow the chaff, and we’ll forget all of this unpleasantness and look back on this period with fondness.

In conclusion, drop tuning and growling is not being metal, and if you’re still confused just remember:

METAL

NOT METAL

In memory of Ronnie James Dio.

It is done! And it only took me 10,000 years. Please read the supplemental blog post.

You’re welcome.

A little later than I wanted to, though technically it is still Wednesday. School is really kicking my ass.

On the bright side, NYCC was awesome! I had the great pleasure of meeting Zach Weiner of SMBC and attend his SMBC Theater panel. I also saw Stan Lee, Robert Kirkman of Walking Dead fame (I’m very excited for the TV series), Tricia Helfer, and Katie Sackhoff. It was probably the best Comic-con I’ve been to so far.

I’m also going to the Dead Kennedy’s show this Friday at Irving Plaza. Well, it’s 1/2 of the Dead Kennedys, but still! I’ve never seen DK live and I’m really excited to punk out with my junk out.

Come back Monday for something you’ll probably like.

I’m going to be at NYCC Saturday Oct. 9th! I don’t actually have a booth, I’m just going to be there. If you see a tall fellow dressed up as Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, come say hi.

Based on a real comment.

I am just awful at drawing hands.

1. Animal Cruelty

Why it’s legitimate:

It should come as no surprise how animals are treated in the American meat industry. Chickens are raised in cages they can barely stand in, much less move around. Feedlot cows are kept in pens for part of their lives and fed a mixture of corn, straw, and other filler that they wouldn’t normally eat. The unnatural diet makes them fatter quicker, but it can also make them ill, which is why they need to be kept on antibiotics during this time. This is all done for the sake of industrial efficiency: generating the greatest amount of product per animal for as little investment as possible. More directly, it’s done to maximize profits. Anyone who doesn’t cringe at least a little at the way industrial animals are treated truly has a black heart.

Why you don’t need to be vegetarian:

You don’t need to give up meat if you don’t want to support animal cruelty, just don’t buy meat from factory farms. You can choose to buy meat from humane farms where animals can roam freely, graze on pasture, and are properly stunned before slaughter. Look for the Certified Humane Raised and Handled label at your market. It costs more because these farms are much more energy intensive than their cutthroat-efficient industrial counterparts, but you can sleep well knowing that none of your money is supporting the cruelest factory farming practices. This meat is generally healthier and more nutritious as well. Check out the Certified Humane website to find stores and restaurants that carry humane meat.

Now, I know what your thinking. Humane practices vary with every farm. In one farm, it could mean pasture raised, in another it could just be a slightly larger pen. That just means you’ll have to do your research. Look what Certified Humane brands are carried at your market and check them out. If they don’t meet your standards, don’t bother.

2. The Environment

Why it’s legitimate:

The cattle industry alone produces a significant amount of the United States’ greenhouse emissions, as much as 18% according to the FAO. Think about that for a second. Including all the cars on the road, all the planes in the air, all the power plants, and all the kids burning wads of plastic bags for that neat fire effect, nearly a fifth of all the greenhouse emissions produced in the US every year comes from the cattle industry alone. Wow. To quote Bill Maher, “It’s actually better to eat a salad in a Hummer than a cheeseburger in a Prius.” So aside from biking to work, you would think that one of the easiest things you can do to reduce your footprint is abstaining from beef.

Why you don’t need to be vegetarian:

Two things. First, you can buy beef from grass-fed cattle raised on farms that have low-emission farming practices. There is a caveat in that grass-fed cattle actually produce more methane than feedlot cattle. The pasture on these farms, which is consistently trampled by free-grazing cattle and fertilized by their manure does act as a carbon sink, counteracting the heavy methane farts, but only if the pasture is maintained well. If the paddock is large and the cows stay in the same area, you don’t get this benefit. The paddock must be small and the cows have to ambulate all around it. Pasture growth must be observed carefully. The density and duration of the grazing periods must be controlled strictly. It may be difficult to find cattle farms that have such stringent practices.

This brings me to my second point. You can abstain from beef without being vegetarian. Pork, poultry, and fish are not nearly as energy intensive as beef. It only takes 2/5ths of the energy to produce pork as it does to produce beef, 3/10ths for poultry, and even less for fish.

3. Animals are smart / have feelings / are aware

Why it’s legitimate:

There was an article in Time magazine recently discussing animal intelligence and consciousness. Though Time magazine is only slightly more intellectual than Highlights, it’s still an interesting article and I encourage everyone to read it.

An increasing amount of evidence shows that animals have a sense of awareness close to or perhaps even equal to that of humans, awareness being defined as the ability to carry consciousness from one moment to the next. This is why cows are lined single file before they’re slaughtered. The lines sweep and curve to prevent the animals from seeing what’s ahead, panicking and reversing direction, or worse, causing a stampede. Pigs will back away from and turn their backs to a pen-mate if it’s being hurt, and chickens have been shown to anticipate the future.

This is more of a philosophical argument and is thus more subject to debate. Whether animals have a right to life and what characteristics give them that right is an argument that may have no objective conclusion.

Why you don’t have to be vegetarian:

Fish have very low levels of consciousness. Clams, oysters, mussels, and other shellfish have none whatsoever. There’s actually a term for this diet: pescetarianism. Though technically this is what’s called a “semi-vegetarian” diet, it’s still not vegetarianism.

* * *

The only completely justified reason I’ve found for being vegetarian is health (that and religion, but that’s a discussion for another day). I don’t mean “vegetables are good for you,” we know that already. I mean “if you have leukemia and eat red meat you will die.” I’m talking about the absolute inability of your body to process meat. I met a man in Ireland who, as a teenager, was a radical animal rights activist and thus vegetarian. In his adulthood, he mellowed out and became more apathetic, but never went back to eating meat, mainly because he just can’t. His body has gone so long without meat that he becomes ill if he eats any.

What I don’t understand is how vegetarians can justify their diet with any of the above reasons and still eat eggs and dairy products, including meat and cheese. They can avoid the cruelty and right-to-life arguments by consuming humane/organic eggs and dairy, no problem there. But it takes just as much energy to raise chickens and cows to produce eggs, milk, and cheese as it does to raise them for slaughter. CO2 emission is a byproduct of raising these animals no matter what food is being produced from them. I don’t get it!

And then there’s veganism. As much of a lifestyle as a diet, veganism is the abstinence of all animal products. Let’s discuss today’s comic further. Given the ubiquitousness of animal products in our lives, I believe being vegan is nearly impossible. You would have to disown yourself from modern civilization and live in a log cabin in the wilderness eating only the vegetables you grow in your own backyard, your wardrobe consisting entirely of hemp clothing (and honestly, except for the hemp clothing, I would not be opposed to such a lifestyle). Additionally, there are the nutritional concerns of veganism. A perfunctorily planned vegan diet will lead to serious health problems.

I had to be somewhat general about the products listed in the comic, which is why you’ll notice some repeating terms. Adhesives includes everything from duct tape to Elmer’s glue (the logo of which is, ironically, a smiling cow). Detergents include shampoo and any kind of soap used for washing, even biodegradable detergents! Cattle products like gelatin and bovine serum albumin have numerous applications in biomedical research including vaccine and drug research. Nitrogen gas is also important in scientific research, keeping instruments that are sensitive to moisture dry. I don’t need to go into how ubiquitous plastic is. I thought it would be interesting to note some foods made from cattle products like hard candies, refined sugar, imitation eggs, and cake mixes. But my favorite item on the list is rubber. Stearic acid, which is made from animal fat, is used in production of tires, an unfortunate truth for every pretentious, fixie-riding, vegan hipster out there.

Murderer.

Steven Davis, professor of animal science at Oregon State University, brilliantly noted that numerous field animals such as mice, rabbits, and small birds are accidentally killed every time a tractor traverses a field while plowing, cultivating, or harvesting. Tom Regan, professor of philosophy at North Carolina State University and philosophical founder of the modern animal rights movement, acknowledged this to be true but stated the purpose of veganism is to do the least amount of harm to animals. Davis then proposed a food production model that would do just that. Replacing pork and poultry with beef, lamb, and dairy production, Davis calculates that such a model would result in 300 million fewer animal deaths per year. You read that correctly. It’s possible to have an omnivorous diet that kills fewer animals than a completely vegan diet.

“I fucking hate animals.”

I can’t escape the feeling that people who choose to go veggie or vegan are not really doing it out of moral or ethical concerns for animals or the environment, but rather some superficial social status; a way to feel superior to others as Christian Lander writes on his blog Stuff White People Like. In the same way the most pretentious of hipsters exude a holier-than-thou attitude for listening to shitty bands you’ve never heard of that have never performed outside of lofts in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, vegans and vegetarians can claim to be better than you for the reasons aforementioned in this post, reasons that, as we have explored, are untenable.

I will conclude by saying that, despite all this, I really, really don’t care what people eat. I wanted to investigate whether there were pragmatic reasons for being vegetarian. I discovered that while there are semi-legitimate reasons for going veggie, the concerns can be circumvented simply by being careful about what you eat. But ultimately, I’m not bothered in the slightest by people who abstain from meat. The vegetarians that I’ve encountered in my travels were some of the kindest people I’ve met in my life; individuals or the highest caliber and exemplars of altruism. They could have had a diet consisting solely of plague rats and it wouldn’t have bothered me and I wouldn’t have questioned why (OK, I would have but I want to make a point).

I hope you’ve taken something from this exposition. Hate mail can be directed to the comments section below or to admin@subliminalpropaganda.com.

For an exposition on this comic, read my latest blog entry concerning my thoughts on veganism and vegetarianism here.